Shut up, it was like 1994 or some shit. They were awesome.

But then Hub2 and I were going out to a thing for his work, I don’t even really remember what, but I broke a nail. So I go grab the super glue to try and fix it, but the cap is stuck. It’s super-glued onto the tube, which is stupid design, but at least it proves the stuff works, right?

So Hub2 gets tired of watching me struggle and takes the tube away from me. He seats the cap between the molars on the left side of his mouth, and pulls.

Did I mention that he also had a full beard? I mean, up til that point he did.

Not so much for a couple of weeks after that.

So anyway, he yanks the cap off the super glue tube with his teeth, shooting a stream of glue into his mouth along his bottom teeth while doing so. He looks at me, his eyes are huge, and he says, “ah ought iht in mah mouf,” all serious-like, and I cannot even take it, I’m rolling on the ground laughing at his misfortune.

Luckily, super glue does not stick to your teeth, gums, or tongue — at least, not if you spit it out as quickly as possible. It will, however, glue your beard and mustache to the skin of your face, so there’s that little issue to be solved.

He was a pretty good sport about the whole thing, and while we were a little late to his work party (ever tried to shave a glued-on beard off?) that’s the worst thing that happened.

For someone who’s been married, oh, let’s say maybe three times before this current one, that’s a shit-ton of stories. All of which are now off limits.

Which is a huge bummer, because some of them are really amazing.

Like the time I went to Mexico with Hub #3, our respective kids, and his mom and stepfather.

We actually went to South Padre Island; we rented a three-bedroom beach house, and his sister (my Crazy Sister-in-law), her husband (Dammitneil), and baby were all along for the ride. Not to Mexico; they only went as far as SPI.

First off, my daughter was 15 at the time, and you can imagine how nervous I was to be taking her across the border. Or maybe you can’t, but believe me, I was terrified she was going to get kidnapped for a white-slavery kind of deal. And that she’d end up doing donkey shows in Tijuana. So there was that.

Also, Hub3′s family were big drinkers, and I’d already pretty much kicked that habit even before we got married. Now, if you know anything at all about me, you know that I hate eggs, dog shit, and sloppy drunks. Hub3 was among the sloppier variety of drunk, and since we had his 9 year old son with us in Mexico as well, I begged him to stay at least moderately lucid.

Unfortunately for me, the vendors in the market over there are on to us Americans. They know that we cannot hold our tequila, and they offer free shots to just about anyone who walks by looking even slightly interested in whatever they happen to be selling. I spent most of the afternoon shooing people away from my kid, and trying to keep his kid from accidentally buying things or wandering off.

So imagine my surprise when we all meet back at the restaurant at the end of the day and he’s completely sloshed. And I do mean, sloshed. He had promised some guy money to help him find the restaurant, and when this guy came in almost carrying Hub3, I was livid. We get back to the car and Hub3, the kids and I climb in the back seat. As we’re getting ready to start back across the border, he passes out with his head on my shoulder.

So we have to stop for the border agent to look in the car. He does, then kind of does this double take, and then motions to me to wake the asshole up. I dug my elbow into his side, and he sat straight up, and bellowed, “Bienvenidos de los estados unidos!” That’s like the only Spanish phrase he knows. And he sat up and yelled it at the border control officer. You know, the one who wanted me to show him that I didn’t have a drugged Mexican in the car I was trying to sneak back into the States.

He then wipes out again.

His mother and stepfather are just howling in the front seat and I’m furious. I grabbed a handful of his hair and turned his head back around to show his incredibly Irish-looking anglo face to the officer. The guy rolled his eyes at me and waved us on.

When we got back to the beach house, I left him in the car and took the kids up to bath and bed. Dammitneil went down to help Hub3 back up into the house and deposited him on the floor of our bedroom. Where I left him.

This week’s Elance project asked for the following:

Let’s pick that apart, shall we? Okay, so this client wants a

• copywriter
• web designer
• web coder with Flash or similar experience
• voice actor

Disregard for the moment that they’ve listed all of this as one project, which in Elance means one JOB. Consider the budget:

$50 – $100

Oh, and just because I like that little extra kick, the website promotes the sale of a $25 book on how to deal with annoying people.

Like, perhaps, those who ask for the moon and aren’t willing to pay for it.

I’ve withheld the actual site address, but I bookmarked it, and I can’t wait to see what the Nigerian provider who won the job comes up with.

Seriously. I was browsing Elance this morning, since they so kindly sent me an email to tell me that they’ve seen a 40% increase in projects posted over the last month or so. Work has been kind of slow through other channels, and I’m done with my BrightHub projects for the month, so I’m like, why not, right? Well, I’m scrolling through the projects posted under the “Writing and Translation” tab, and I see some poor soul who has mistakenly posted an offer TO WORK as a project that is up for bid. You get a LOT of non-native English speakers, residing in any one of a number of other countries, bidding a penny per word on big projects. They’re content mills, pure and simple, and I feel very sorry for anyone looking for professional copywriting or web content work who thinks they can get it for a penny per word. That’s just silly. Anyway, the confused soul posted this as a job up for bid:

Hi

I have an excellent writing and vocabulary skills. Writing is my passion and I love to express myself in writing. I can do a storyline article, poetry, and transition.

He also attached a resume. And if that wasn’t tragic enough, he’s got two people bidding on his non-existent project right now. The first of these, and I shit you not, is the title of this post.

USER NAME REDACTED

Pakistan  |  

Sponsored Proposal

USER NAME REDACTED

Pakistan  |  

I think some one’s writing tells what kind of a man He/She is, and I think every one knows himself how better he is.

Well, I definitely know MYSELF how better I am. I mean, duh.

So anyway, that’s my competition out there today. I just have to keep reminding myself that I don’t want to work with anyone who would fall for those types of bids, or who would accept the quality that one cent per word provides.

It’s taken quite some time to get her, although not as much time as someone who would’ve started earlier, I suppose. And, there have been some real surprises. For instance,

• I haven’t punched a time clock since I left Lifestyle Lift in April 2009. That having been said, I am now WAY more conscious of how much time I spend working, writing, researching, pitching, applying, publicizing and emailing those prospective clients.
• I have to do my housework FIRST THING when I get up, or it has a tendency to grow tentacles and swarm me by lunch time. Why? Because if I don’t do it FIRST THING, then I’ll be easily distracted during a project with “I’ll just go make a cup of coffee–oh, I should unload the dishwasher since I’m getting a cup out of it–Whoops, looks like I got a little crazy with the CheezWhiz last night, there’s chili on the floor–Since I’m mopping the kitchen floor, might as well do the whole downstairs–Can’t mop the downstairs bath floor until I scrub the toilet, since I always slop water when–” And now my rate per word and earned per hour numbers are in that dirty first-floor toilet and my day is blown. Somehow, I can do that whole scenario above and get it done quickly if done FIRST THING, but try it in the middle of the day and it takes forever.
• No matter how busy I am, how much work I’ve gotten done that day, or what else I’ve accomplished, I ALWAYS manage to be playing something (Xbox, WoW, RIFT, Entanglement) when the Hub comes home unexpectedly for lunch or while on an errand. And it always makes me feel a bit like a slacker.
• Even though I often think I’ll spend the afternoon blogging or writing in a coffee shop, I’ve only actually done it twice. And that’s because we were still in the house in Novi where we had Comcast and our cable was out. Now that I’m one of those real A2 artsy people, you can’t even tell, because you can’t see into my house.

So anyway, other than salivating all over my Emich.edu email account waiting for a response to my grad school (and assistantship) app, I’m pretty much focused when I’m on the Internet nowadays. And even when I AM on Facebook or Twitter, I can justify it with a little linking and publicizing content. Or at least, so I tell myself.

2. It is, however, possible for a woman to do so.

3. Vomit and regurgitation mean two different things.

4. What vegans feed their pet dogs and cats (at least, those who will have a carnivorous pet) varies wildly, depending on who you ask.

5. Yoga is not just a form of gentle, no-impact exercise.

6. There are grocery stores who will deliver to your home.

7. There is never any need whatsoever to buy the strategy guide for any video game. Someone else has already played it, solved every question, and documented their efforts.

8. Most people are just dying to tell you their deepest, darkest secret. If they can do it anonymously, they will.

9. Barbie dolls are worth a LOT more if you leave them in the box and hold on to them for several years.

10. Hairspray will take ink stains out of fabric.

2. Make those hard-won crafting materials evaporate when my attempt to fashion a piece of armor fails. *coughaioncough*

3. Make me dependent on being able to find others to play with at every other turn. Public Quests and battlegrounds are tons of fun – empty PQs and BG queues up to an hour are not.

4. Make me wear stupid hats or clownish outfits, with no ability to dye, costume, or hide the worst bits.

5. Leave no breadcrumbs from one questing hub to the next. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, Game Developer, but there are MONSTERS out there that want to kill me. I’m not about to go investing off the beaten path, especially not when I’m so young and fragile.

6. Give me no easy way to manage my inventory. Aion had a “vend all grays” button, and you could easily make a macro in WoW to do the same. Best case scenario is an auto-sort, filtering all of the useful items into the first few bags, ordered by potions, gear, crafting mats, and what not.

7. Hide my trainers from me. This new trend of allowing search terms to be applied to maps and mini-maps is awesome. Especially when you’ve chosen to have the Rogue Trainer positioned in a bush behind the tent where all other trainers hang out. Yes, he’s sneaky – I get it. But if he wants me to get better at stabbing things, he needs to be a bit more accessible.

8. Backtracking. Yes, I know, there’s always going to be some of it. But for the love of all that’s unholy, let’s keep it to a minimum, unless you’re giving me a way to fast-travel between hubs.

9. Call yourself FTP and then make the game nigh impossible without the purchase of items from online stores, using REAL currency. I’d rather have a monthly subscription fee, personally. At least that you can budget for.

10. Make it impossible for me to catch up. WoW has been going strong for what, just over 6 years now, but there are still new players. How, you might ask? Well, they continually streamline the leveling process, reduce the amount of XP it takes to get into the most recent content, and make all previous end-game content irrelevant. That may suck for the players who always wanted to spend months in Molten Core, or bang their heads against the wall that is Magtheridon’s Lair, but those who just want to get to the current raiding, it rocks. Those of us who could give a crap about raiding at all don’t care, either.

Lost: The Complete Sixth and Final Season

So, I don’t know about the character’s, but I’M definitely lost. I mean, that’s a serious WTF? If you, like me, managed to avoid all the hype and spoilers while this was going on, then you’ve got to watch this series. Was it always awesome? No, of course not, but I never saw a season finale that didn’t leave me wanting to know what happened next.

SPOILERS: (highlight below text)

So what the hell, they’re all dead, right, but WHEN did they die? Couldn’t have been in the crash, because the elder Shepherd told Jack that his time with those people was the most important. And were they in two (or several) different realities? I dunno.

So as I’ve mentioned earlier, I got a couple of new XBox 360 games for Christmas, and I just put the second of those to bed last night – go, me!

Fable III

I had way more fun with this one than I did with Fable II, which, by the way, I never finished. Maybe I should go back to that one? Eh, well, maybe someday. For now, I’m happy knowing that I RULE ALBION!! MUAHahahahahahaha.

No spoilers here, all I’ll say is that I had a romping good time. Magic was much simplified from the previous two iterations in the series; by the end I could still only have one spell equipped per hand, although some of the mix-and-match combinations of elemental magic were awesome.

The weapons had a nice selection and I loved the ability to upgrade them through specific types of combat. My spouses were also much less demanding than in previous games, leaving me plenty of time for adventuring without the fear they’d abscond with the silver should I stay gone too long. Having the perks, upgrades, and abilities you can purchase with your points along the Road to Rule was a great addition to the game. My only real complaint was with the way the ending sort of sneaks up on you. Without spoiling anything, here’s my advice: just because the game is telling you have days and days left, STAY LIQUID. If you, like me, have all your assets tied up in real estate, you’re going to be a relatively unhappy bunny with the finale. Make sure you’ve got the required amount deposited into your treasury as early as possible for the best ending.

World of Warcraft: Arthas: Rise of the Lich King

This is the fourth in the Warcraft series that I’ve been reading since Christmas; at least, chronologically. It deals with the time following the 2nd War, with Mal’ganis’s release of the plague that caused the Scourge, Arthas’s fall into madness and succumbing to the pull of the rune-blade, Frostmourne, and Sylvanas’s death and transformation from High Elf to Banshee to the leader of the Forsaken.

Reading this, I felt no sympathy whatsoever for Arthas. I’m not sure if that’s from 5 years of being “for the Horde,” or if the author failed, but throughout it all I was never on his side. Seeing what Sylvanas was put through at his hands made me more loyal than ever to “my people.” Funny thing is, after Cataclysm launched I started a Worgen and played through that starting zone, just after taking an Undead Warlock through the opposing side in Silverpine Forest. I had the absolute toughest time getting into Lupretia’s (I know, right?) psyche, and I was barely even able to like her. The conflict with Sylvanas was just too close to my heart. So as cool as Gilneas was, I abandoned poor Lupretia in Darkshore.

Anyway, getting back to the books, seems to me that they’ve been written by someone far more emotionally invested in the Alliance’s viewpoint. That, or I’ve been wrong all these years and the Horde is not just “misunderstood.” Whatever, sometimes it’s way better to be evil.

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about today is RIFT: Planes of Telara. I got in on the Beta event this past week and spent a bit of time on a Mage. The cool thing about RIFT is their class system. You start out by choosing your faction, either Defiant or Champion. From what I’ve seen thus far, both factions have the same ultimate goal, saving their world from Regulus. However, the Champions are relying on their relationship with the gods, while the Defiants believe in the power of technology. Then you choose a “calling,” one of the four typical RPG archetypes: Mage, Cleric, Warrior, Rogue. Following that, you’ll have several different specializations from which you can choose three; these specs are called Souls. For instance, my Mage has a Necromancer, Warlock, and Dominator Soul all equipped.

As you level up you gain Soul Points, which are applied in each Soul’s tree. As you spend points in a tree, you gain access to that Soul’s abilities. It’s a pretty cool system, all in all. However, I think that might just be about the only thing new in the game; otherwise, it feels very Aion , but with more of WoW’s crafting.

Now, I know what you’re thinking–yes, we have been through this on more than one prior occasion. But each time I’ve delved into a new MMO, and by new I mean not WoW, I have been initially enchanted. Before I realize it, however, I’ve drifted right back due to some short-coming of the new title. WAR focused far too much on PvP (RvR, it’s called there). Aion let me down in the crafting and the lack of quests in the 20s. Cool that I can gain XP by using my professions, but totally sucky that I can actually fail in crafting and lose my hard-earned mats. LotRO had the most amazing community thus far; I really think I could have hung out there for a long, long time. But it lacked any sense of urgency. With no opposing faction, there really didn’t seem to be any kind of a rush to accomplish objectives. One may not simply walk into Mordor, but one doesn’t have to really RUN there, either. More of a leisurely sort of stroll into Mordor. My point is that an incomplete MMO feels like low fat cheese. It looks like it’d be satisfying, and sure, it’s pretty good in the beginning. Then you realize you’re choking down solid clumps of unmelted plastic-y cheese, and you think, what’s the point?

So is RIFT going to let me down, too? I dunno. I hope not. But then again, as D was saying the other day, it’s unlikely that any game will ever have the same pull over me that WoW did. And that’s actually a pretty relieving thought. After all, then I’d never have time to play of the other games I love, not to mention time to work, write, and go to grad school.